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Too Soon! Ukraine-Russia Jokes

Being a Russian-born Jew who was raised in America, the Ukraine-Russia war is very upsetting to me. And the only way I know how to process upsetting information is in setup-punchline form. So uh, here we go…

All these jokes are my original writings. If you’re gonna repost please credit me and tag my @BigBenComedy social media accounts.

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I was born in the most evil part of Russia:
Russia.

I was just on a neighboring social media app when I decided to invade this one. If you don’t sign up for my monthly newsletter, I will use the nuke option

This war isn’t good for anyone. It’s bad for Europe, it’s bad for America, and it’s especially bad for my comedy career. Last show I did, it’s going great, until I mention I’m Russian born. Rest of the way, crickets. At the end, I go, “I’m dying up here.” Standing ovation

My daughter speaks Russia. So I no longer tell her, “You’re grounded.” Now I say, “you’re sanctioned.”  She goes, “Daddy what’s sanctioned mean?” I say, “It means you can only play with your Chinese friend.”

Recently a dad friend came over, hears my daughter speak Russian to me, and asks, “Did she want juice or the surrender of Kiev?” I said, “Don’t be ridiculous. She wants Poland.

This same friend tells me, “You being Russian-born makes you complicit in this invasion.” I was like, I’ve lived in America since I was a little kid. I’m only complicit in Iraq.

Someone heard me joke about the Russia-Ukraine war and said, “Hey Ben, it’s too soon, you’re taking advantage of these people’s pain and suffering for your own personal gain. That’s wrong.” I was like, “I guess that makes me a major media corporation.”

Love it or hate it, you gotta admit, I took more care planning these jokes than Putin did planning the invasion.

This is a joke-joke they told in 1970s Soviet Russia, which unfortunately still applies to today. What do you do in case a nuclear bomb goes off? Very slowly, crawl to the cemetery.

According to Putin, Ukraine is full of Nazis. That’s the reason he’s giving for going in. And everyone else is like, the president of Ukraine is a Jew.  And all I hear is, eventually, both sides are gonna blame us Jews for high gas prices.

In Russia, you can no longer use the word “war” to describe the conflict in Ukraine. You can only call it a “special military operation.” Similarly, my wife and I didn’t have a week-long fight. We had a “special celibacy operation.”

The Russian army took away soldiers’ cell phones because phones were dangerous. Guns were still okay. They were like, “Use glock, not TikTok.”

I’m against the war. Some of my family members strongly disagree with me, they’re very pro-Russian. So when I go eat at their place, I bring a food taster.

Apparently invading Russian soldiers were Tinder matching with Ukrainian women. That’s gonna be a great, new Tinder commercial. Bombs exploding, refugees fleeing, tanks rolling thru. Then the announcer says, “Tinder: Love conquers all. Except herpes.”

2022 Comedy Goals

For the past thirteen years, I set goals publicly at the start of the year and then review how I did at the end of the year [see 2021, 2020, 2019201820172016201520142013201220112010 and 2009].

I’m not sure if this is actually useful, as I only look at this post the first and last day of the year, but I like traditions, and am oftentimes pleasantly surprised by how much I accomplish from this list. And maybe it helps subconsciously, so here go my goals for this year. The ones in grey are not fully in my control.

Like last year, I have 12 goals, and a top 3 of most important goals.

Stand-Up

  • Write 20 new minutes of “album worthy” material
  • Record and release my next comedy audio/video special
  • Do 300 live performances 
  • Do my gameshow 20+ times (virtual or in-person)
  • Perform at 50+ private events (virtual or in-person)
  • Double my TikTok account to 500,000 followers and 20 million likes 

Writing and Producing

  • Pitch our various TV projects to at least 5 networks/production companies 
  • Film, edit and release one short film/tv pilot that is at least 8 minutes in length
  • Write one new script
  • Create one new, full-fleshed out TV idea (with treatment and sizzle or a script)

Learning

  • Read 12 books

Financials

  • Earn $60,000 of revenue from comedy/entertainment-related endeavors

 

My Top 3 Goals

  • Record and release my next comedy audio/video special
  • Do my gameshow 20+ times (virtual or in-person)
  • Pitch our various TV projects to at least 5 networks/production companies 

2021 Comedy Goals Revisited

On January 1st, 2021 I posted my goals for this year. Since it’s the last day of the year, it’s time to go through them and see how I did. 

Black text is the original goal and bold text is how I did. 

Stand-Up (4.5 out of 5 accomplished)

  • Write 20 new minutes of “album worthy” material
    Yes. I wrote more than 20 minutes of material that is usable.
  • Do 100 live performances (and actually enjoy being on stage each time)
    Yes. I performed live 363 times
  • Do my gameshow 20+ times (virtual or in-person)
    Yes. Did the gameshow 22 times.
  • Perform at 50+ private events (virtual or in-person)
    Yes.
  • Double my TikTok account to 350,000 followers and 14 million likes (yes in the year 2021, this counts as standup)
    Sorta. I got the account to 264,000 followers and 10.6 million likes – giving myself half credit for this.

Writing and Producing (2 out of 3 accomplished)

  • Complete the TV version of the gameshow sizzle reel
    Yes. Made a TV version gameshow sizzle reel.
  • Pitch our newest scripted idea to 3+ networks/production companies
    Sorta. Pitched to only one place. Giving myself 1/3 credit.
  • Pitch our gameshow to 3+ networks/production companies
    Sorta. Pitched to two places. Giving myself 2/3 credit.

Learning (1 out of 2 accomplished)

  • Read 12 books
    Mostly. Read 11 books, close enough.
  • Take one class or self-learn one new creative software
    No.

Financials (0 of 1 accomplished)

  • Earn $50,000 from entertainment-related business income
    No.

Misc (0 of 1 accomplished) 

  • Average weight under 180 pounds
    No.

 

My Top 3 Goals (2.5 out of 3 goals accomplished) 

  • Complete the TV version of the gameshow sizzle reel Yes
  • Do my gameshow 20+ times (virtual or in-person) Yes
  • Double my TikTok account to 350,000 followers and 14 million likes Half credit

Overall notes: Given the state of the world and the pandemic stuff, I’m shocked that I accomplished 7.5 out of 12 goals, and nearly all of my top 3 goals.  

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