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Too Soon! Ukraine-Russia Jokes

Being a Russian-born Jew who was raised in America, the Ukraine-Russia war is very upsetting to me. And the only way I know how to process upsetting information is in setup-punchline form. So uh, here we go…

All these jokes are my original writings. If you’re gonna repost please credit me and tag my @BigBenComedy social media accounts.

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I was born in the most evil part of Russia:
Russia.

I was just on a neighboring social media app when I decided to invade this one. If you don’t sign up for my monthly newsletter, I will use the nuke option

This war isn’t good for anyone. It’s bad for Europe, it’s bad for America, and it’s especially bad for my comedy career. Last show I did, it’s going great, until I mention I’m Russian born. Rest of the way, crickets. At the end, I go, “I’m dying up here.” Standing ovation

My daughter speaks Russia. So I no longer tell her, “You’re grounded.” Now I say, “you’re sanctioned.”  She goes, “Daddy what’s sanctioned mean?” I say, “It means you can only play with your Chinese friend.”

Recently a dad friend came over, hears my daughter speak Russian to me, and asks, “Did she want juice or the surrender of Kiev?” I said, “Don’t be ridiculous. She wants Poland.

This same friend tells me, “You being Russian-born makes you complicit in this invasion.” I was like, I’ve lived in America since I was a little kid. I’m only complicit in Iraq.

Someone heard me joke about the Russia-Ukraine war and said, “Hey Ben, it’s too soon, you’re taking advantage of these people’s pain and suffering for your own personal gain. That’s wrong.” I was like, “I guess that makes me a major media corporation.”

Love it or hate it, you gotta admit, I took more care planning these jokes than Putin did planning the invasion.

This is a joke-joke they told in 1970s Soviet Russia, which unfortunately still applies to today. What do you do in case a nuclear bomb goes off? Very slowly, crawl to the cemetery.

According to Putin, Ukraine is full of Nazis. That’s the reason he’s giving for going in. And everyone else is like, the president of Ukraine is a Jew.  And all I hear is, eventually, both sides are gonna blame us Jews for high gas prices.

In Russia, you can no longer use the word “war” to describe the conflict in Ukraine. You can only call it a “special military operation.” Similarly, my wife and I didn’t have a week-long fight. We had a “special celibacy operation.”

The Russian army took away soldiers’ cell phones because phones were dangerous. Guns were still okay. They were like, “Use glock, not TikTok.”

I’m against the war. Some of my family members strongly disagree with me, they’re very pro-Russian. So when I go eat at their place, I bring a food taster.

Apparently invading Russian soldiers were Tinder matching with Ukrainian women. That’s gonna be a great, new Tinder commercial. Bombs exploding, refugees fleeing, tanks rolling thru. Then the announcer says, “Tinder: Love conquers all. Except herpes.”

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