Ben’s Headline News Jokes Feb 18-25

Here’s my favorite news jokes I’ve written this week. You can see all of them here (click the “recent” tab).


A North Korean university is recruiting English teachers.
Who knew North Korea had a university? Turns out their only major is blind obedience.

A Fifth Grader Texted Police For Help With Her Math Homework.
Of course, if the police were good at math, they wouldn’t have become cops.

The owner of Burger King and Tim Hortons is set to buy Popeyes for $1.8 billion.
Fans would celebrate, but their diabetes are so bad, they can’t lift their hand above their head to celebrate.

Saudi Arabia Broke Records on Oil Exports and Output for the Year.
Unfortunately all that money went straight to the families of the 9/11 hijackers.
Yes it’s been quite a year for Saudi Arabia – they also broke their own record for oppressing women.

A Swedish Company Where Nobody Is In Charge Wants To Prove Bosses Aren’t Needed.
Unfortunately, nobody has volunteered to write that proof.

US life expectancy is so low it’s projected to be on par with Mexico by 2030.
So that’s why we’re building a wall! Trump doesn’t want us learning about and getting jealous of the terrific living conditions of Mexicans.

Government officials in India want to ban excessively lavish weddings.
The new law will ban all weddings that provide flushing toilets.

Ikeas Quick-Assembling Refugee Shelter Lasts Up To 3 Years.
It’s by far their most durable product.

Intense Exercise Can Lower Men’s Libido.
So can intense nagging.

A gamer died while attempting a 24-hour livestream for charity.
He leaves behind a wife, three kids and twelve custom World of Warcraft characters.

A teen was arrested for allegedly having nude photos of himself on his phone.
He was charged with “being too big for his britches.”

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