“How To Be a Working Comic” Quotes

I read How To Be A Working Comic by Dave Schwensen and did not find it that useful. Here’s the quotes I found most interesting. If you like the book, buy it here.

“Nothing is better for business than to be good. Your only business decision when starting out is to do your act as often as you can. Take as many punches as you can onstage for free. It’ll all pay off later. But for now, just get on to get on.” (4)

“The whole key to becoming a working comic: be professional and be prepared.” (62)

“Most comedians spend many years practicing and polishing their acts before they actually make a living in this business. Be prepared for disappointments, but be aware of any gradual improvements you make, too. If you can honestly say you’re getting better, then continue to work hard. If not, then don’t be afraid to reevaluate your career choice.” (112)

“You have to write ten clean, non-topical jokes a day. They have to be jokes that can last a couple of years.” -Drew Carrey (116)

“I think being famous and getting all this money frees you to be whatever you’ve been holding back, to be what you naturally are. So, if you’re naturally a jerk, you can stop being nice to people you don’t want to be nice to anymore. You can start speaking your mind like you always wished you could have. If you feel like being a total bitch, a whiner and a complainer, unappreciative of everything that God’s given you, then you can! You can start demanding stuff, like, ‘Where’s my limo?’ because you’re naturally a jerk.
If you’re naturally a nice person, it still frees your ego to do whatever it wants. Well, I’m always nice to everybody, I think. It’s more important to me to be decent to people, because I’ve got to sleep at night. I don’t want people writing articles about me saying, “That Drew was a real jerk today.” I don’t want to name any names, but I’ve heard horrible stories about people who get famous. One was on a sitcom, and all people could talk about was how awul this guy was. He was mean to everybody, nasty and demanding.” –Drew Carrey (117)

“There’s no right or wrong in comedy. I feel if you’re getting laughs, then that’s working.” –Rhonda Shear (161)

“Don’t let anyone discourage you, because everyone will try to, especially in comedy. There is more negativity there than in any other business. Just do your own thing. Get that stage time no matter how laborious, no matter how far the drive may be. It will be worth it. If you really love it, you’ll stick with it. Once the comedy bug bites, it’s hard to get away from it.” –Rhonda Shear (162)

    Performance Critique: March 21st

    There was about 25 people in the audience and they were super high energy from the host on so I felt I’d do pretty well.

    httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3hLgzl-k3Sk 

    0m48s One of the women in the front row named a male strip club in NYC (or what I presume is a male strip club in NYC)

    1m18s I need to figure out a way to say “because this was the closest I’ll ever get to becoming a stand up guy” more smoothly, perhaps take out a few words 

    1m41s This is the best reaction I’ve ever gotten to this joke 

    1m54s I should’ve waited another second to let all the laughs end before continuing 

    2m40s One woman turned to another and made a large tube motion 

    2m44s In the future, if there’s two or more women in a group towards the front, I’m gonna say “This woman just turned to her friend, shrugged and said, ‘your tubes are kinda on the large side’” 

    2m49s No clue why this question was funny 

    5m11s Terrible transition, I don’t know why I did it 

    5m42s Someone in the crowd guessed the punch line 

    6m24s I might not need the “that is demasculating” line 

    6m58s It’s always nice when the MC references your joke 

    Overall: I think this was a great set but I should’ve gone with my backwards dating joke to close instead of the jdate and snuggle slut. It was also awesome because this guy performed right after me.

    Performance Critique: March 19th

    This was the first show I was on that was close to the standard comedy club format of an emcee, an opener (10 minutes) a feature spot (25-30 min), and a headliner (40-45 minutes). In this instance it went feature spot (30 min), guest spot (5 min) and headliner for (40 minutes) with me doing a minute or three of jokes in between comics. There were 6 or 8 people in the audience. 

    Part 1

    httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFbHfldksmQ 

    1m37s It takes audiences a few seconds to get the “this or tennis” line 

    2m16s I could’ve stepped into “Fallopian Tubes” harder 

    2m56s I should’ve kept looking at the same two people for this part 

    5m31s Instead of “last time I had a life” it should’ve been “last time I got laid” 

    7m12s Some comics don’t like being distracted with the audience talking in any sort of way but I like it when an audience member contributes something funny to my set… 

    7m30s …until it causes me to screw up my lines 

    Part 2

    httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFRhRYFrph4 

    0m42s I need to be able to make Hillary Clinton jokes quickly

    1m19s I don’t think I should dead pan the unemployment office line

    Part 3

    httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkBxrO3Ye2k 

    1m47s Get rid of the examples 

    2m04s Rephrase that to “That’s your first date” 

    3m09s Don’t turn to look at a different person during the punch line, it doesn’t look as conversational 

    Overall: I think I did a good job hosting although I could’ve been better at making improvised jokes and asking a few more questions. This will come with time, I hope. I was also pleased that my backwards dating bit got a really good response.

    Performance Critique: March 18th

    I hosted this show and there were only 3 audience members, but they were awesome. I wound up doing about 30 minutes of stage time, but a lot of it was just talking and stretching time as the 3 person audience was waiting for a specific comic, so I’ve only put up the segments where I have jokes in them.

    Part 1

    httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gr_p2wHcmkU 

    0m41s I could totally tell, I lied 

    1m21s I’m not sure if I need the slogan line 

    2m39s The young republican convention line is a great save, and I think it also works if the previous line gets a laugh 

    3m25s The 20 something girl in the 3 person audience brought her aunt and uncle to the show because she heard one of her friends from high school was doing a set here tonight. He showed up really late 

    4m21s I’m addressing the comics 

    5m19s If any of you have a good punch line for this, I’m all ears 

    Part 2

    httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQpCHtAJfM8 

    0m46s I love how different people give me counter examples in the same place 

    1m15s I didn’t finish a joke because they derailed my thought train, I think this is a better method then trying to force the joke back on them 

    1m47s I need to come up with a contingency for when the female audience member replies really negatively about her last boyfriend 

    2m02s I was surprised they’ve only been married for four years because they were in their 60’s 

    3m05s This audience is way more interesting than I am 

    3m37s Don’t say the guy they’re waiting for is dead, the audience just might leave 

    4m05s Bad attempt at repeating and punching up the joke 

    Part 3

    httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m85WKcUq5fc 

    0m18s I changed my punch line to try to appeal to the pot smokers 

    0m23s She replied “Can you play tennis low?” Pretty funny 

    1m08s It might be enough to go from “it’s all downhill” to “let’s reverse the process” without the examples 

    2m45s The girl said “that’s great.” The next time a girl gets excited about someone whispering “I have AIDS” to them, I should say “We are gonna get along great, give me your number” 

    3m17s Stop saying “marry her” even if there’s some dead space 

    Overall: This was one of the more fun shows I’ve hosted. The audience was small but I enjoyed interacting with them a lot more than I enjoyed my St Patrick’s day set that had 4 times the number of people.

    Performance Critique: March 17th

    St. Patrick’s Day is one of the worst days of the year to do comedy. While there was a crowd of 6 to 10 people, almost everyone there was only there because the Irish pubs were too crowded and they wanted to talk and drink. It also didn’t help that I was running on 4 hours of airplane sleep and came straight from the airport to my day job to comedy.

    httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCpdOOWMCbA

    0m22s There are 4 girls with severe ADD in the first row

    1m18s While this wasn’t anywhere near my best set, I left happy because the “stand up guy” was the one new joke I wrote that day and it worked really well

    2m06s When they respond that their boyfriend is handsome, I should say “good, you probably won’t cheat on him” and then go into the explanation

    2m27s Instead of “No one ever says” it should be “no situation ever warrants someone saying” 

    2m36s It’s interesting how when the audience is chatty and replies, they tend to have the exact same responses as previous audiences. Since I was previously challenged about strippers needing tits, I was able to respond quickly 

    3m05s The girls are just having a long conversation amongst themselves

    4m24s The amount of background noise you’re hearing on the videotape is about the same I was hearing on stage. After trying to get people to stop talking, I just started trying to talk over them. This is where a mic comes in handy 

    4m46s I missed a good finger snap 

    6m06s Seriously, I need a better line than “that’s the girl you gotta marry” 

    7m01s I ran out of hard drive space on my video camera, but my set ended unceremoniously shortly thereafter. Lesson learned: make sure you have room on your video equipment before you begin a set

    Overall: I’m glad my one new joke worked and I think I did a good job of “plowing” or “powering through”. This is what you sometimes have to do when nobody is really listening, and nothing seems to be working. I didn’t speed up my delivery when this occurred and was able to keep the situation from getting too crazy. Next St Patrick’s Day I will do my best to be drinking my ass off (at a non-stand up venue) and not come anywhere near a stage… 

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