Ben’s Headline News Jokes Feb 11-17

Here’s my favorite news jokes I’ve written this week. You can see all of them here (click the “recent” tab).

There Is A “Marijuana Bouquet” Delivery Service.
It comes with twelve boxes of chocolate.

Prison guards intercept pigeon carrying cellphone to inmates.
The guard grew suspicious when the pigeon would stop flying every twenty feet to respond to texts.

A pro wrestler hammered a record 38 nails with his head in two minutes.
His new finishing move is CTE.

A flight was delayed 6 hours as airline withheld a $300 spare part.
Delta promptly apologized by losing everyone’s luggage.

A Man Smuggled 22 Hunks Of Gold Out Of a Canadian Mint Using His Anus.
Thus joining J-lo and Beyonce as the only people who can say, “my ass bought me that house.”

According to Research, Dogs Mirror Owners’ Personalities.
So if you have a yappy dog, maybe you’re the one who needs to shut up.

27-Year-Old Woman Became The First Female To Visit Every Country On Earth.
Oh man, I bet her OkCupid profile is intolerable.

Alec Baldwin Hosted the Highest Rated SNL Episode In Six Years.
Enjoy it while you can people. Pretty soon there’s gonna be an executive order making SNL illegal.

Edward Snowden is ‘not afraid’ of his rumored return to America from Russia.
He explained, “I mean, who do you think hacked Hillary’s emails? I’m gonna be Trump’s first competent cabinet nominee.”

An 80-Year-Old Woman Was Unaware Of A Sword In Her Cane Until An Airport X-ray.
Kudos to Homeland Security for stopping the world’s first octage-terrorist.

An App Called Dunzo Will Actually Dump Your Partner For You.
It’s the perfect app for when you have two thumbs and no balls.

Australian sex offenders are set to be housed in a secure area called the Village of the Damned.
Or as it’s more commonly called these days, “America.”

Harrison Ford Almost Crashed into A Commercial Jet.
Then he saw it was a United plane and realized the passengers had already suffered enough.

Disney’s CEO Says There Are Too Many Commercials on TV.
He said, “I’ll elaborate on this more, after these brief commercial messages.”

Taco Bell Is Now Offering Full-Service Weddings In Vegas.
Their basic package includes 100 tacos, 200 chalupas, and 300 porto potties.

Ashton Kutcher blew a kiss to John McCain after saying he ‘was better looking in the movies.’
Ashton responded, “You were better looking in the POW camps.”

 

Melania Trump is reportedly unhappy with her new role as First Lady
She elaborated, “I married Donald so I wouldn’t have to work anymore.”

A Plane hit a deer during takeoff from a North Carolina runway.
In the pilots defense, the deer was using the wrong gender’s bathroom.

 

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